Hitting the Wall at 100 Miles per Hour

FINALLY!! After so much waiting and praying and nail biting, board exam results are in! The excitement! The anticipation! My fingers moved tremulously over my phone as I accessed my results. Did I pass?

No

Wait, what? I looked again. In small type the words "Failed Exam" stared back at me. I can't believe it. I really failed.

I am shocked, dismayed, angry, in disbelief. How could I have failed? I studied for hundreds and hundreds of hours for this test. I spent nearly $1,000 on study materials. I answered countless practice questions - all for naught?

Despite everything, I did indeed fail. Thank God, I didn't fail by too much, but here a "miss is as great as a mile". Suddenly, my entire medical school career has come to a dramatic, terrible, screeching halt. I cannot move on to 3rd year until I pass this exam. More terribly, with a large family to support, I learned this morning that all financial aid is put on hold until I pass. Since it will be at least a month before I can retake the test and then I must wait four to six weeks for the results, we are now facing no less than 2 months with no income.

Failure is incredibly difficult to take. I do not blame God or my school or my teachers or the test or some random phase of the moon, etc. The responsibility for this rests firmly on my shoulders. I will give myself a day or two to mourn - to deal with my frustrations and bewilderment. Then I will hit the books once again. I WILL pass this damnable test. I WILL move onto 3rd year, even if I'm a month or two behind, and I WILL walk across that stage in two years, becoming a doctor - so help me God.

Meanwhile, there are others in my class whom also failed and who now face a couple of months of uncertainty and financial drought. I'm posting a link, dear reader, for you. This is the first time in two years that I've done this but I'm asking for money for all of those students at my school who are now without loans and without recourse. Some of them, like myself, have families to support. Please forgive me if this comes across in poor taste. That is not my intention. Rather, I want to help folks who need help now. Who knows? In the future these same folks may get the chance, as physicians, to help you. The link is here: Relief for Medical Students in Need

May God richly bless you.

Meanwhile for me it's back to the books...again...

The Great Evil....

There exists a darkness, a sinister blackness, an oily evil that oozes in like a fecund fungus. This evil is stale, silent, and overpowering, a thick force that creeps up on a person and, like a conquering virus, threatens to infect, infest, and immobilize.

What is this great evil, you might ask? It is the period of time that lay between taking your STEP 1 medical boards and receiving the results.

On May 24th I sat for my COMLEX STEP 1 medical licensure boards. It was eight hours of physical and mental anguish as I racked every corner of my brain for obtuse facts that may lead me to the correct answer. After the test was over I was exhausted but grateful that this major step to becoming a doctor was done. All I needed now was my score!

This was 41 days ago.

41 days of prayer, agony, thinking, second-guessing, consulting with my classmates, and finally, resignation. Thoughts bounce around my head:  I hope I passed. What if I didn't pass? Of course I passed! Don't most people pass? Maybe I didn't pass....after all, I'm not the smartest person in my class. Oh great, I'm a loser. Is it too late to start a career at Taco Bell? I love Taco Bell. How long will it take to pay off my loans on a Taco Bell salary? Whoa, 427 years. I better stick to this med school thing. I hope I passed.... 

It's July 4th and my classmates and I are still waiting. What choice do we have? Though it's killing us, it's profoundly out of our control so we have become resigned to our fate.

This is a great evil.....

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