COMLEX á Trois...

Wednesday, April 12th, I had the privilege of taking, for a third time, the COMLEX Step 1 medical boards exam.

Now, I know I have written a lot about this exam. This stupid test has become the bane of my budding medical career, halting my advancement and taking an extra year of my life merely to pass. At this point I can say with all sincerity that I hate the COMLEX.

That out of the way, my third experience was the best of the three. I arrived at my testing center in Bethesda, Maryland at 7:00 in the morning feeling not nearly as anxious as I thought I would, though my stomach still churned loudly while in the waiting room. An incredibly friendly elderly gentleman named Willie signed me in, scanned my ID card, took my fingerprints, and had me check my pockets and yarmulke just to make sure I was not sneaking in any information which could be used to cheat. Clearing this, I was shown to my cubicle (#10 this time), given a couple of plastic sheets and dry-erase markers, and invited to sit down. No sooner had I done so and begun the exam then the blessed sound of jackhammers filled the room - renovations to a building next door.  Ah yes, a typical COMLEX experience.

As soon as the first question came up I was overwhelmed with a familiar feeling. I felt like I was at home in my office tackling practice questions. I relaxed, remembered my exam training, and started clicking. Things flowed. I could tell people were praying for me. Could this be the time I pass? My first 100 questions were done and I was offered my a break. I never take my intermediate breaks. I did break for lunch after four hours, however. I left the center, called my wife, and wolfed down some tuna and crackers - never have caffeine or simple sugars on test day!

The 2nd four hours were longer but not nearly as difficult as during my second COMLEX attempt. I kept up the pace but found myself, towards the sixth hour, zoning on the questions. I sat back, shook my head, took several seconds to breathe and looked at something else, anything else, other than the computer monitor. I said a quick prayer and dove back into the fray.

At the end of the eighth hour, after clicking the final answer and finishing the post-exam feedback questionnaire, I stood and stretched. I was alone in the testing room save a physician taking a recertification exam. I walked out exhausted but hopeful. Maybe, just maybe, this time would prove to be the last and I could finally move on to third year.

Or maybe not.

I don't know what the future holds. After three attempts, however, I can say that I have given it my all. Results come out May 2nd.

I will keep you posted.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/562668547166669504/

A Revelation

It has been about a month since I last posted on this blog. The reason for the inordinate amount of time between posts is simply because, as most of you might know, I have been studying for the boards. Well, time is up.

My third attempt at the boards is this coming Wednesday, April 12th. Of course, the need to pass at this point is profoundly acute - how much I want to move forward into the third year of medical school and get out on the wards with patients!

My first COMLEX was in Kentucky. My second attempt was in Alabama. This third (and hopefully final) attempt will be in Maryland.

Interestingly, I am not nearly as anxious about this one as I was for the first two. It is true that I have put in long hours (again) studying - for example I've plowed through nearly 1,500 practice questions and innumerable books and notes in the past three months in anticipation of this exam. But there is a deeper reason for my unusual peace.

About a week ago I was in prayer, pouring out my anxious heart to God. I was reminding Him that I cannot move forward in this ministry of medicine to which I believe He has called me without His help. He mercifully brought me successfully through my first two years of medical school. Now, I need his help to pass this test, each attempt that need becoming more acute. It was during this time that I decided to put aside my own fears and begin to simply worship Him. I decided to pay more attention to Him than to my own failures and fears. As I began to worship, a deep truth struck my heart, one that I believe absolutely to be from Him.

I have spent so much time studying and negotiating practice questions while fears of failing out of med school bounced through my mind that I forgot these fundamental truths: Jesus is my future. Jesus is my goal. Jesus is my destiny.

Now, I know to some of you it may sound like I am spiritualizing my situation, in danger of "being so heavenly minded that I am no earthly good". But this sudden realization that Jesus is my future has had a profound affect on me. No longer am I terribly anxious about this exam. Yes, I want to pass and on Wednesday I am going to give it my very best. Yes, I want so much to be a physician serving the underserved that I can taste it and I have literally dreamed about it for years. In the end, though, regardless of my coming academic performance, Jesus, my dear Lord, my precious Saviour, is my destiny and He will, as He has so much already, take care of my family and myself. In other words, it will be okay. This knowledge is incredibly freeing.

So, I ask for prayer: prayer for a successful exam, prayers for my family and myself. But I also want you, dear reader, to know that God is immensely faithful. I want to be a doctor. But if, for whatever reason, He allows me to fail out, then that will be okay, too. Either way, it's going to be one heck of an exciting ride!

Thank you for time. I know it is precious. I will keep you posted.