"Hope Means Hoping When Everything Seems Hopeless" - GK Chesterton

It has been a very difficult ten days. After my recent failure the future of my family and myself seems up in the air. There are many friends who are convinced that, at this point, I should move in a different direction and find something else to do with my life; give up the dream, if you will.

There are options:  I could surrender all of this and try to gain admittance into Physician Assistant (PA) School. During my years in the military I had the opportunity to work with many PAs and was always impressed by their breadth of skill and obvious care. Another option is to leave medicine altogether and return to serving as a Rabbi. I am very grateful for my many years in the ministry. However, I still desire to do more: to ministry health not only to a person's spirit but also to their body and soul. Lastly, I have the option of repeating the COMLEX - trying a fourth time to pass this same test.

Just yesterday I met with the Student Progress Committee (SPC) at my school. The purpose of this committee is to alert those students who have, in some manner, fallen into academic disfavor. Such students found in this sorry state are given options from the SPC pertaining to their futures at the school and what might be done to save their suddenly at-risk burgeoning medical careers. Thank God, this meeting went incredibly well. They were very supportive and voiced great encouragement. They stated that I would make an excellent physician and that I should try the COMLEX exam one last time.

It is difficult for me to put into words how encouraged I was after this meeting. Have I mentioned how much I love my medical school? I know that DeBusk College of Osteopathic Medicine (DCOM) at Lincoln Memorial University is far from perfect. Indeed, as long as people are involved in any endeavor then imperfection will indubitably follow. Despite my many failures the leadership at DCOM has come out in support of me. The very fact that they believe I can do this has somehow renewed in me the spark of hope that they may be right.

So, I am going to try again. My family and I have come this far. I am compelled to go the entire way for better or for worse. This begs the question: what am I going to do differently this time so as to not repeat my recent failures? My advisors have encouraged me to submit to neuro-cognitive testing and see a professional who specializes in written testing anxiety. This, then, is my plan: I will work to provide for my family, keep in touch with DCOM, and do whatever it takes to get to the root of this problem so that my fourth (and final) attempt will be successful.

Back into the fray we go. This time, it's going to be slow and steady. I may not graduate until 2019 or beyond. But if I really want this then I will be willing to do what it takes, as long as it takes, to make this happen. The flame still burns.

Thank you for your time, dear reader. I will keep you posted.

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The Nurse of Wisdom...

The result of the medical board exam is finally in! And (drum roll) -

I failed again - for the third time.

I can't believe it. Honestly, this is now just getting ridiculous. I have spent the past 12 months studying for this test, navigating two highly recommended boards prep courses, and forging through literally thousands of questions. Despite everything, I continue to fail, over and over and over.

As you can imagine my family and I are devastated to the core. I honestly cannot understand, at this point, what I am missing, what I am doing wrong, what is the root cause. My professors share my bewilderment. Meanwhile, it is worthwhile to note that I do not blame God. I am the one who failed, not He.

Miraculously, my school allows four chances for this exam. I am honestly torn: should I try this one last time? Or, should I give up this dream, this ambition I have nurtured for nearly 40 years, and find something else? The answers to these questions depend a great deal on the advice of the leadership at my school.

Meanwhile, my family and I are looking at possible options. The immediate need is survival, of course. Just today I accepted a job offer with a local medical company - I need to support my family because, for the past many years, we have subsisted on school loans, loans that are no longer available to us due to my failures. I am grateful for the new job while realizing that my ultimate goal remains the same: to become a physician.

Thank you, dear reader, for your continuing interest and support. This adventure is not over until, as they say, "the fat lady sings". Despite this extraordinary group of setbacks, I still want this, so very much. But, before I try again for the last time, I am going to take some time to reassess the dynamics involved. Why am I failing where so many before me have passed, especially in light of the reality that I performed reasonably well on all of my didactic classes during the first two years of medical school? With God's help, I will do everything I can to make this work.

I will keep you posted.

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