The Evening Before Tomorrow.........Again........

This is going to be short.

Tonight is the evening before the COMLEX medical board exam - again. Tomorrow I will spend eight hours huddled in front of a computer answering long and poorly-worded questions, 400 questions to be precise, covering all that I have learned during the first two years of medical school. 

After all of the study, and the 20+ pounds I have gained since July doing nothing but eating and sitting at a desk, I am so ready to have this over. I pray that all of the time, expense, and effort will prove to be enough.

Thank you, dear reader, for your time. I will keep you posted.

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Kill it - Kill it Dead....

The beast stood there, lurking in the shadows just beyond my sight. I could hear its low growls, gutteral mutterings that communicated evil intent. My breath came in short bursts: palms sweaty, muscles tense. My mind screamed at me to run but my feet remained rooted to the earth. With a supernatural resolve I forced myself to stay. Slowly, the beast lumbered toward me, greasy sinews taunt with power, fierce jaws dazzled by a thousand teeth made silver in the shifting moonlight. I felt my hand on my sword, oddly strong and sure of itself despite the huge mass that trembled before me. In a single move I drew the blade from the scabbard and held it before me. The finely tempered steel glinted as the razor sharp tip was inches from my adversary. This was it: we were going to fight...

It's been a couple of months since I learned that I failed my medical boards exam - the COMLEX Step 1 - this failure essentially bringing my young medical career to a dramatic halt until I pass. In the ensuing weeks I have taken a boards exam prep course, spending anywhere from six to ten hours a day in intense study. I have also plowed through over 2,000 practice questions. It's been good: I have re-learned a lot and secured a better grasp on two years worth of material.

During this time, though, COMLEX has grown in my mind. Before, COMLEX was merely a test, a hurdle to be jumped over en-route to becoming a physician. Now, COMLEX is the beastly creature described above, a hulking, heaving mass of sinister and destructive intent that I must destroy. Forgive me if this sound dramatic, but I'm really starting to hate this test. It's not that I find it unnecessary, it's just that I realize that now it's "kill or be killed". I love medicine and I love people, thus I will do whatever is needed to slay this beast and move on to third year, even if it takes me longer than most.

There are 17 study days left until my exam: 17 days to re-review and sharpen my sword. With God's help, I will see this thing slain and stand triumphantly over its decaying carcass.

Thank you for your time, Dear Reader. I will keep you posted.

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Hitting the Wall at 100 Miles per Hour

FINALLY!! After so much waiting and praying and nail biting, board exam results are in! The excitement! The anticipation! My fingers moved tremulously over my phone as I accessed my results. Did I pass?

No

Wait, what? I looked again. In small type the words "Failed Exam" stared back at me. I can't believe it. I really failed.

I am shocked, dismayed, angry, in disbelief. How could I have failed? I studied for hundreds and hundreds of hours for this test. I spent nearly $1,000 on study materials. I answered countless practice questions - all for naught?

Despite everything, I did indeed fail. Thank God, I didn't fail by too much, but here a "miss is as great as a mile". Suddenly, my entire medical school career has come to a dramatic, terrible, screeching halt. I cannot move on to 3rd year until I pass this exam. More terribly, with a large family to support, I learned this morning that all financial aid is put on hold until I pass. Since it will be at least a month before I can retake the test and then I must wait four to six weeks for the results, we are now facing no less than 2 months with no income.

Failure is incredibly difficult to take. I do not blame God or my school or my teachers or the test or some random phase of the moon, etc. The responsibility for this rests firmly on my shoulders. I will give myself a day or two to mourn - to deal with my frustrations and bewilderment. Then I will hit the books once again. I WILL pass this damnable test. I WILL move onto 3rd year, even if I'm a month or two behind, and I WILL walk across that stage in two years, becoming a doctor - so help me God.

Meanwhile, there are others in my class whom also failed and who now face a couple of months of uncertainty and financial drought. I'm posting a link, dear reader, for you. This is the first time in two years that I've done this but I'm asking for money for all of those students at my school who are now without loans and without recourse. Some of them, like myself, have families to support. Please forgive me if this comes across in poor taste. That is not my intention. Rather, I want to help folks who need help now. Who knows? In the future these same folks may get the chance, as physicians, to help you. The link is here: Relief for Medical Students in Need

May God richly bless you.

Meanwhile for me it's back to the books...again...

The Great Evil....

There exists a darkness, a sinister blackness, an oily evil that oozes in like a fecund fungus. This evil is stale, silent, and overpowering, a thick force that creeps up on a person and, like a conquering virus, threatens to infect, infest, and immobilize.

What is this great evil, you might ask? It is the period of time that lay between taking your STEP 1 medical boards and receiving the results.

On May 24th I sat for my COMLEX STEP 1 medical licensure boards. It was eight hours of physical and mental anguish as I racked every corner of my brain for obtuse facts that may lead me to the correct answer. After the test was over I was exhausted but grateful that this major step to becoming a doctor was done. All I needed now was my score!

This was 41 days ago.

41 days of prayer, agony, thinking, second-guessing, consulting with my classmates, and finally, resignation. Thoughts bounce around my head:  I hope I passed. What if I didn't pass? Of course I passed! Don't most people pass? Maybe I didn't pass....after all, I'm not the smartest person in my class. Oh great, I'm a loser. Is it too late to start a career at Taco Bell? I love Taco Bell. How long will it take to pay off my loans on a Taco Bell salary? Whoa, 427 years. I better stick to this med school thing. I hope I passed.... 

It's July 4th and my classmates and I are still waiting. What choice do we have? Though it's killing us, it's profoundly out of our control so we have become resigned to our fate.

This is a great evil.....

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COMLEX + 1 Week

Remarkably, today marks one week since I sat for my Step 1 boards. It has taken nearly a week for the anxiety surrounding the boards to slowly ebb away. For many months I've been studying myself almost into a stupor. Now, abruptly, I have nothing to study. The day I got home from the boards I sat down at my little desk out of habit, ready to open my USMLE First Aid book. I stared at it dumbly, suddenly realizing I was done. I actually felt lost for a few moments. What do I do now? I thought to myself.

Since coming to this realization, I have had the extreme pleasure in spending more time with my family, doing some local teaching, and reading about those medical subjects which were a little weaker for me (can anyone say PHARMACOLOGY??). I am looking forward to 3rd year with profound excitement: finally, we get to help patients on the wards! For me, this is a "return to the wards" as I have 18 years of military medical experience in clinics, the field, and hospitals. It feels like I'm coming home.

Meanwhile, I have at least two more weeks of waiting before board scores are released. No use being anxious now - what's done is done and it is quite literally in God's Hands.

I'm grateful for getting this far and very much looking forward to the next two years and to residency beyond.

Be blessed, dear reader. I'll keep you posted.

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Tomorrow....

Tomorrow, May 24th, from 0830 hrs to (about) 1730 hrs, I will be taking the medical boards Step 1 exam: the COMLEX. This exam is eight hours long and consists of 400 questions covering everything we have learned during the first two years of medical school. Quite literally, from day one, my medical education has worked to prepare me for this event.

As you might imagine, the stress is incredibly high. Thoughts assault me: What if I fail? What if I'm not cut out to be a physician? What if I've messed up and wasted my life and spent literally hundreds of thousands of dollars for nothing? What if I fail my family? Am I crazy for trying this at my age? And on and on and on....

In the midst of all of this stress two irrefutable facts remain: 1.) God, Who is very real and very close, has been so faithful to help my family and I through these challenging times. Quite literally I would not be here if not for Him; and 2.) My wife and children and many other kind folks have been and remain a source of extraordinary encouragement and support. I am thankful for both of these facts and I feel very honored simply to have the opportunity to sit for this test.

I don't know what will happen tomorrow. I do not know if I will pass this exam. I do know I am going to throw myself at it and, for eight hours, give it everything I have.

Thank you for reading. I'll keep you posted.

That Four-Legged Evil

Never before, in my wildest dreams or most terrible nightmares, had I suspected that one day I would so loathe an object as seemingly innocuous as a chair. 

But loathe it I do. 

All I do these days is sit: I sit in my chair behind my desk and study for the boards; I sit on the couch and study for the boards; I sit at the kitchen table and study for the boards; and, if I'm feeling truly daring, I sit outside and study for the boards.

Yes, it is that time in my young medical education - STEP 1 COMLEX boards are 20 days away as of this writing. This eight hour, 400 question exam will test how much I have learned in the past two years and, if I pass, usher me into official status as a 3rd year medical student. 

Thus, like my colleagues, I spend nearly all of my waking moments studying. My tuchus is tired of sitting. The chair has become an evil taskmaster telling me to open another book, read another power-point presentation, watch another educational video.

Sometimes I look out the window and yearn to go jogging or even take a brisk walk. "No time!" cries that cursed chair and back I go to plant my derriere in that unforgiving seat.

Speaking of which, I've already taken too much time sharing this with you. Only 20 more days! I should be studying!

Hello chair.....

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