Genug with Sitting Shivah

There is a tradition among my people: when a loved one passes away we spend seven days in mourning. We call it Sitting Shivah. "Shivah" means seven in Hebrew. During this time we abstain from common daily luxuries, pleasurable activities, and even cover the mirrors so as to avoid vanity. This period is set aside  to focus not only on what we lost but to work through the pain and anger of that loss.

As of today, it's been a week since I learned that I failed my medical boards again. While it is true that this loss does not compare to the loss of a loved one, it is painful loss nonetheless. Today, it was made even more painful learning, because of the delay in passing my exam, that I will not be able to graduate with my class. So, instead of graduating in 2018 I will walk in 2019.

The pain of these compound losses strikes deep within me. The mantra "You're a failure." plays over and over in my mind. I see my family suffer financially because of my current inability to get over this hurdle.

But Shivah is over now. I can no longer afford the luxury of self-pity. The time for wallowing in depression has passed. Now is the time for action. After consulting with faculty at my medical school, as well as my advisors, my family and I have developed an aggressive plan, a new approach, so as to pass the board exam this next time, God willing. My school allows four attempts to pass before I am expelled. It is my sincere hope that I will not have to avail myself of every one of those attempts.

So, time to dry my eyes, time to let go of the self-anger, time to replace the destructive mantra of failure with a mantra of hope. If there was ever a time to "pull myself up by my bootstraps" it is now. I have wanted to be a doctor since I was six years old. I am sure not going to let one stupid test rip this away from me.

So help me God.

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