"Hope Means Hoping When Everything Seems Hopeless" - GK Chesterton

It has been a very difficult ten days. After my recent failure the future of my family and myself seems up in the air. There are many friends who are convinced that, at this point, I should move in a different direction and find something else to do with my life; give up the dream, if you will.

There are options:  I could surrender all of this and try to gain admittance into Physician Assistant (PA) School. During my years in the military I had the opportunity to work with many PAs and was always impressed by their breadth of skill and obvious care. Another option is to leave medicine altogether and return to serving as a Rabbi. I am very grateful for my many years in the ministry. However, I still desire to do more: to ministry health not only to a person's spirit but also to their body and soul. Lastly, I have the option of repeating the COMLEX - trying a fourth time to pass this same test.

Just yesterday I met with the Student Progress Committee (SPC) at my school. The purpose of this committee is to alert those students who have, in some manner, fallen into academic disfavor. Such students found in this sorry state are given options from the SPC pertaining to their futures at the school and what might be done to save their suddenly at-risk burgeoning medical careers. Thank God, this meeting went incredibly well. They were very supportive and voiced great encouragement. They stated that I would make an excellent physician and that I should try the COMLEX exam one last time.

It is difficult for me to put into words how encouraged I was after this meeting. Have I mentioned how much I love my medical school? I know that DeBusk College of Osteopathic Medicine (DCOM) at Lincoln Memorial University is far from perfect. Indeed, as long as people are involved in any endeavor then imperfection will indubitably follow. Despite my many failures the leadership at DCOM has come out in support of me. The very fact that they believe I can do this has somehow renewed in me the spark of hope that they may be right.

So, I am going to try again. My family and I have come this far. I am compelled to go the entire way for better or for worse. This begs the question: what am I going to do differently this time so as to not repeat my recent failures? My advisors have encouraged me to submit to neuro-cognitive testing and see a professional who specializes in written testing anxiety. This, then, is my plan: I will work to provide for my family, keep in touch with DCOM, and do whatever it takes to get to the root of this problem so that my fourth (and final) attempt will be successful.

Back into the fray we go. This time, it's going to be slow and steady. I may not graduate until 2019 or beyond. But if I really want this then I will be willing to do what it takes, as long as it takes, to make this happen. The flame still burns.

Thank you for your time, dear reader. I will keep you posted.

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The Nurse of Wisdom...

The result of the medical board exam is finally in! And (drum roll) -

I failed again - for the third time.

I can't believe it. Honestly, this is now just getting ridiculous. I have spent the past 12 months studying for this test, navigating two highly recommended boards prep courses, and forging through literally thousands of questions. Despite everything, I continue to fail, over and over and over.

As you can imagine my family and I are devastated to the core. I honestly cannot understand, at this point, what I am missing, what I am doing wrong, what is the root cause. My professors share my bewilderment. Meanwhile, it is worthwhile to note that I do not blame God. I am the one who failed, not He.

Miraculously, my school allows four chances for this exam. I am honestly torn: should I try this one last time? Or, should I give up this dream, this ambition I have nurtured for nearly 40 years, and find something else? The answers to these questions depend a great deal on the advice of the leadership at my school.

Meanwhile, my family and I are looking at possible options. The immediate need is survival, of course. Just today I accepted a job offer with a local medical company - I need to support my family because, for the past many years, we have subsisted on school loans, loans that are no longer available to us due to my failures. I am grateful for the new job while realizing that my ultimate goal remains the same: to become a physician.

Thank you, dear reader, for your continuing interest and support. This adventure is not over until, as they say, "the fat lady sings". Despite this extraordinary group of setbacks, I still want this, so very much. But, before I try again for the last time, I am going to take some time to reassess the dynamics involved. Why am I failing where so many before me have passed, especially in light of the reality that I performed reasonably well on all of my didactic classes during the first two years of medical school? With God's help, I will do everything I can to make this work.

I will keep you posted.

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COMLEX á Trois...

Wednesday, April 12th, I had the privilege of taking, for a third time, the COMLEX Step 1 medical boards exam.

Now, I know I have written a lot about this exam. This stupid test has become the bane of my budding medical career, halting my advancement and taking an extra year of my life merely to pass. At this point I can say with all sincerity that I hate the COMLEX.

That out of the way, my third experience was the best of the three. I arrived at my testing center in Bethesda, Maryland at 7:00 in the morning feeling not nearly as anxious as I thought I would, though my stomach still churned loudly while in the waiting room. An incredibly friendly elderly gentleman named Willie signed me in, scanned my ID card, took my fingerprints, and had me check my pockets and yarmulke just to make sure I was not sneaking in any information which could be used to cheat. Clearing this, I was shown to my cubicle (#10 this time), given a couple of plastic sheets and dry-erase markers, and invited to sit down. No sooner had I done so and begun the exam then the blessed sound of jackhammers filled the room - renovations to a building next door.  Ah yes, a typical COMLEX experience.

As soon as the first question came up I was overwhelmed with a familiar feeling. I felt like I was at home in my office tackling practice questions. I relaxed, remembered my exam training, and started clicking. Things flowed. I could tell people were praying for me. Could this be the time I pass? My first 100 questions were done and I was offered my a break. I never take my intermediate breaks. I did break for lunch after four hours, however. I left the center, called my wife, and wolfed down some tuna and crackers - never have caffeine or simple sugars on test day!

The 2nd four hours were longer but not nearly as difficult as during my second COMLEX attempt. I kept up the pace but found myself, towards the sixth hour, zoning on the questions. I sat back, shook my head, took several seconds to breathe and looked at something else, anything else, other than the computer monitor. I said a quick prayer and dove back into the fray.

At the end of the eighth hour, after clicking the final answer and finishing the post-exam feedback questionnaire, I stood and stretched. I was alone in the testing room save a physician taking a recertification exam. I walked out exhausted but hopeful. Maybe, just maybe, this time would prove to be the last and I could finally move on to third year.

Or maybe not.

I don't know what the future holds. After three attempts, however, I can say that I have given it my all. Results come out May 2nd.

I will keep you posted.

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A Revelation

It has been about a month since I last posted on this blog. The reason for the inordinate amount of time between posts is simply because, as most of you might know, I have been studying for the boards. Well, time is up.

My third attempt at the boards is this coming Wednesday, April 12th. Of course, the need to pass at this point is profoundly acute - how much I want to move forward into the third year of medical school and get out on the wards with patients!

My first COMLEX was in Kentucky. My second attempt was in Alabama. This third (and hopefully final) attempt will be in Maryland.

Interestingly, I am not nearly as anxious about this one as I was for the first two. It is true that I have put in long hours (again) studying - for example I've plowed through nearly 1,500 practice questions and innumerable books and notes in the past three months in anticipation of this exam. But there is a deeper reason for my unusual peace.

About a week ago I was in prayer, pouring out my anxious heart to God. I was reminding Him that I cannot move forward in this ministry of medicine to which I believe He has called me without His help. He mercifully brought me successfully through my first two years of medical school. Now, I need his help to pass this test, each attempt that need becoming more acute. It was during this time that I decided to put aside my own fears and begin to simply worship Him. I decided to pay more attention to Him than to my own failures and fears. As I began to worship, a deep truth struck my heart, one that I believe absolutely to be from Him.

I have spent so much time studying and negotiating practice questions while fears of failing out of med school bounced through my mind that I forgot these fundamental truths: Jesus is my future. Jesus is my goal. Jesus is my destiny.

Now, I know to some of you it may sound like I am spiritualizing my situation, in danger of "being so heavenly minded that I am no earthly good". But this sudden realization that Jesus is my future has had a profound affect on me. No longer am I terribly anxious about this exam. Yes, I want to pass and on Wednesday I am going to give it my very best. Yes, I want so much to be a physician serving the underserved that I can taste it and I have literally dreamed about it for years. In the end, though, regardless of my coming academic performance, Jesus, my dear Lord, my precious Saviour, is my destiny and He will, as He has so much already, take care of my family and myself. In other words, it will be okay. This knowledge is incredibly freeing.

So, I ask for prayer: prayer for a successful exam, prayers for my family and myself. But I also want you, dear reader, to know that God is immensely faithful. I want to be a doctor. But if, for whatever reason, He allows me to fail out, then that will be okay, too. Either way, it's going to be one heck of an exciting ride!

Thank you for time. I know it is precious. I will keep you posted.

"Perseverance, dear my Lord, keeps honor bright" - Act 3, Scene III, Troilus and Cressida

"Isn't it time to give up this game?"

"What are you thinking? You're almost 50 years old! Stop trying to do something you can't!"

"Why are you putting your family through this? You obviously cannot pass."

"You are a failure. You have always been a failure. You will always be a failure. Throw in the towel."

Like cold pebbles dropping into an empty jar, these thoughts ping around in my head, bouncing off of the hope that once filled me as I started medical school in 2014. Next year, my class will graduate and move onto residency - I will be in my fourth year of school, still hoping to pass.

This journey has been more difficult than I could have imagined. Yes, I knew the academics would be challenging. Never in my wildest dreams, however, could I imagine that I would be a two-time failure at my medical boards and slip between the cracks out of my class. I feel that I have become one of the vulgus rejecti, one of the rejected people in my school and my profession as I heap failures upon my head. It is at these times, when such feelings assail me, that the whispering of the thoughts elucidated above becomes a roar.

Please don't misunderstand me. My school has been very patient as they wait for me to pass. My family has been almost supernaturally kind and supportive and, most of all, God has not forsaken me: He has been there this entire time to gently remind me that He is present and powerful and loving. Despite all of this, feelings of inadequacy persist. Maybe, as I was advised by a dear friend years ago, I actually am crazy for trying this at my age. Maybe these failures are God's way of telling me to throw in the towel.

It is during times like this, when these feelings and thoughts bubble to the surface, that I purpose to remember why I started this journey. May I list these reasons for you?

1. God placed in me a desire for medicine from my youth. Despite my failures, this desire burns in me to this day.

2. Becoming a physician will help my family, providing for them a future that my own father could not provide me.

3. I love caring for people. I love dealing with their hurts, seeing them get better, consoling their bodies and souls. There is literally nothing else I want to do.

Dear reader, I'm not giving up and I refuse to give in to the doubts that impugn my conscious. I might go down, I might fail out of med school - with two board failures under my belt that is a possibility. But before God I promise you this: I will not go down without a fight. I will not let feelings of inadequacy and fear of failure rob my family or myself from this goal. I will, again, pick myself up from the ashes of my defeat and doggedly place one weary foot in front of the other until one of two things happens: I reach the summit of this great mountain or I die trying. 

I don't know what challenges you may be facing right now. Nor do I know with what failures you may be wrestling. I do know this, however: if your effort is for good you will meet with great resistance. Can I encourage you to never give up, never give in, never stop fighting to achieve what is right. Sometimes, life calls for just such an effort.

The Theatre of the Bizarre

As quickly as they come the months go, falling on each other like turning pages of an old book. Since learning of my second COMLEX failure at the end of October, I have completed a month-long medical boards prep course in sunny (and humid) Florida.

This course was very.......unusual, to say the least. One of the first things we were taught is that the medical boards exist less to "test knowledge" and more to "weed-out" medical students. The purpose behind this, we were told, was because of the profound disparity between the number of medical school graduates every year and the significantly lower number of available residency slots. It is for this reason that the boards are deliberately difficult and obscure - they are an effort to trip up the test-taker. Additionally, we were told that the boards are more challenging for those persons who have greater clinical experience. As someone who has 18 years of military medicine under his belt, I would agree with this latter statement!

All of this started me thinking: in what shape is medical education, and the industry of medicine itself, if we find ourselves having to stoop to such base measures simply to make doctors? Over and over I have heard that there is a drought of physicians. Yet, we create hurdles, a grinding gauntlet of the mind, making the education of new physicians unnecessarily difficult. This, in turn, leads to a sense of elitism and thus robs eager young students of any altruism they may have had when they began this journey.

Medical school should be difficult. The responsibilities a physician faces are great as daily life and death decisions are made. To my perception, though, as one already two years into this process, there are efforts both at the level of the schools and on a national level, to make this procedure more arduous than it need be. The modern medical boards reflect this.

Some may read this and say, "Yes, but most students pass their boards on their first attempt. You're just saying this because you're angry." God bless those who have so passed! I admit that the boards have been very rough for me - more so than I ever anticipated. It is because of this that I have had the opportunity, more so than most medical students perhaps, to focus not only on the boards but on the purpose of the boards. Testing is a necessary evil. But this "thinning of the herd" simply because our system is broken is a travesty that limits the number of available quality physicians. In the end, the ones who pay the price are the patients.

Regardless, the boards are here to stay - at least for now. I am going to give this third attempt my best effort. Perhaps, one day, there will be a better more patient-centric system in place. Until then, we try our best to work with what we have while trying to bring positive change.

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Genug with Sitting Shivah

There is a tradition among my people: when a loved one passes away we spend seven days in mourning. We call it Sitting Shivah. "Shivah" means seven in Hebrew. During this time we abstain from common daily luxuries, pleasurable activities, and even cover the mirrors so as to avoid vanity. This period is set aside  to focus not only on what we lost but to work through the pain and anger of that loss.

As of today, it's been a week since I learned that I failed my medical boards again. While it is true that this loss does not compare to the loss of a loved one, it is painful loss nonetheless. Today, it was made even more painful learning, because of the delay in passing my exam, that I will not be able to graduate with my class. So, instead of graduating in 2018 I will walk in 2019.

The pain of these compound losses strikes deep within me. The mantra "You're a failure." plays over and over in my mind. I see my family suffer financially because of my current inability to get over this hurdle.

But Shivah is over now. I can no longer afford the luxury of self-pity. The time for wallowing in depression has passed. Now is the time for action. After consulting with faculty at my medical school, as well as my advisors, my family and I have developed an aggressive plan, a new approach, so as to pass the board exam this next time, God willing. My school allows four attempts to pass before I am expelled. It is my sincere hope that I will not have to avail myself of every one of those attempts.

So, time to dry my eyes, time to let go of the self-anger, time to replace the destructive mantra of failure with a mantra of hope. If there was ever a time to "pull myself up by my bootstraps" it is now. I have wanted to be a doctor since I was six years old. I am sure not going to let one stupid test rip this away from me.

So help me God.

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